It's True

They closed us down. So how about that? Now I'm out of a job. I stayed to the end to take care of our patients and help them to transition or give them their options and now I have to get another job. Don't talk about it - that's what they say. Isn't that what they always say? I don't think they handled it the best way they could. We were told for more than a year that they were looking for another place for us to move to, a less expensive space, but I never saw any alternatives offered. We were called into a meeting and told they were closing us down by December 1. Huh! It feels like they have torn apart a close knit (though dysfunctional ;)) family and weren't concerned about the consequences. They apparently don't believe in integrative/holistic health care. Well, it's not going away. Our providers are going in different directions, but all staying in integrative/holistic medicine so, to take a positive spin on things, they will be spreading that type of medical care rather than letting it go quietly. If you think about it, it really is the future of medicine. The other hospitals in the area are starting up that type of medical programs. They will be so lucky to catch one of these providers who have fantastic reputations and very loyal followers/patients. Ready-made patient base. Who could ask for more? I've learned so much in the time I have spent working with these people and caring for these patients. I don't regret a minute of it. We threw ourselves a farewell party to celebrate all the years of operation. People who started it, people who were there in the mid years and those of us who ended it, we were there to remember happy times and what we set out to do there. Unfortunately, there was never real support at the corporate level. I can't wait for these providers to start up again and show them how it can work with someone at that level applauding and supporting their moving forward with integrative medicine. I can't work for a company that professes to be movers and shakers and the leaders in medical care and supposedly growing and putting all this money into programs when, behind the scenes, they dumped us all because of "economic reasons". I think if you checked out the salaries and expenditures of those on a higher level, you may find that you could cut a few corners there rather than cutting integrative medicine. Oh well! It's over; it's done and I am on to bigger, better things. I'm positive there is something better just waiting for me to find it. I've been through a lot this past year, lots of changes and growing. This is nothing! Time to move on.

Yeah I Know, I Suck

I stopped writing on this blog more than a year ago, not for lack of interest, just because my life became so crazy and I was trying to sort everything out. I've moved to a cute little apartment with Daisy and we've been here for about 5 months now and we love it. Still close to Jen and the kids so it works well. I have an awesome landlord too. That really helps. A basement and a garage and an enclosed porch that is just for us to use -- the simple things to make me happy. I'm still working on some hard stuff that requires lots of energy to accomplish, so forgive me for not writing. I'll get back in the swing of it all some day. xoxoxoxo Miss you guys!

Going but won't be forgotten

Ah, she's doing it -- she's leaving the office. Moving on to better things. Not sure what that will be just yet, but she's off on a new adventure. I'm going to miss her terribly. We have had some fun times at work and at the Chocolate Festival. Not a day goes by that we can't be found laughing so hard we have tears running down our faces at some point during the work day. We're good for each other. The office won't be the same without her radiant smile and bubbly, happy spirit. MR called her a little sprite; GW says she's our little ray of sunshine; crazy, fun, quirky, that's our LP. She's going to finish her medical assistant certification and then go on for ultrasonography, at least, that's the loosely woven plan at this point. Still looking for true love and finding it's been quite a bumpy road. She doesn't give up though. She keeps her spirits up and keeps on hoping for the best.

Originally, she was going to leave and move to Mass to live with her new boyfriend, her true love, the man she was going to marry......that lasted about 3 weeks. Then warning flags started waving. He has a sleep issue; he's jealous; he wants to step back for a week or so and figure out what they are doing. He let her give her notice and make all her plans and then decides maybe they were acting too quickly. She deserves WAY better than that. He's not good enough for her. She makes a smart decision--she's not going through with it. She's going to stay home and take the time to do her externship for M.A. before deciding what will come next. She's already looking at other men, sort of. Can't keep this woman down -- I'm really going to miss her.

Aw, I love to be missed!

Back to work after a week's bereavement and a week for surgery and recuperation...not only did my co-workers welcome me back with open arms, telling me how much they missed me, but the patients apparently missed me as well! They told me how everyone was trying to cover for me but it wasn't quite the same as if I were there. Awwwww, shucks! I did tell them that I completely appreciated the fact that my co-workers were willing to pitch in and cover for me as best as they could while I was away. It's been a busy week, catching up on all the little details that were overlooked and I should have been napping in the afternoon, but I'll make up for it on the weekend. I'm not very good at laying around at home waiting to heal. At least I was able to leave earlier than usual just about every day. Someone told me how one of their friends took a six week leave of absence to recover from gallbladder surgery......I think that was milking it a bit. I'm feeling so much better without that thing in me, tired, a little sore, but WAY better than that stabbing, unforgiving pain. The D dog and I are headed to VT for the weekend with J, just the girls. We will lay around and sleep in and eat lots of chocolate....what could be better?

Bye Bye!

There it goes! My gallbladder has been whisked out of me, though how they take it out through those tiny little slashes I can't figure out. I'm just glad it's gone. It was a quick stabbing pain on Sunday that first alerted me that something was wrong. I tried to blame food poisoning though the pain was high up where the ribs meet in the middle and a little to the right. I went to bed and in the morning thought I felt fine. Walked the dog, drank two cups of coffee, and jumped in the shower. An even worse attack ensued in the shower and I still had conditioner in my hair....I got all sweaty and thought I was going to pass out with that one; also very nauseous. Jumped out of the shower and puked in the porcelain bowl....all the while thinking....I can't die now! I still have conditioner in my hair. When I gathered enough oomph to get back in the shower and rinse out the conditioner, I quickly finished the shower, still thinking I was dying. Grabbed a towel and fell on the bed. I had to call work and tell them I wasn't going to make it in....apparently some sort of bug had a hold of me.

As I lay there, the stabbing sensation started to subside and was more tolerable. Still, I laid there, not daring to move. Then my mind started thinking of what it could be...I knew it wasn't my heart, not that kind of pain; I take Prilosec every day so it shouldn't be GERD; oh wait a minute, my mom and grandmother both had their gall bladders out so there's a family history....maybe that's it. Of course I had to get up and check out on the computer the symptoms. hmmmmm, sounds like it could be that. But then again, I've been grieving a lot lately. Sometimes grief finds your weak spots and acts upon them. Is this something I can just ride out?

I slept all day Monday except for taking the D dog out twice to relieve herself. I felt okay not putting anything in my belly, no food, not even water. J came home and brought ginger ale. I tried a couple of sips of that and was right back where I started with the stabbing pain again. I guess I can't have anything in my stomach. Go to sleep some more; slept all night too. Sheesh!

When morning came, of course I felt fine. Empty stomach. Need to take meds so I downed those with water and ate a piece of toast with jam on it, no fatty foods, just in case it's gall bladder. Seemed okay. Got to my T appointment and half way into it, the pain starts stabbing at me again. She notices I seem to be in considerable pain. Do I want to stop the session? God no! I have to pay for this hour, I'm not cutting it short!! She asks symptoms, thinks it's gall bladder, advises go to pcp. I go to work. Stubborn ass! I lasted about 2 hours at work with all this food around me. It was birthday celebration day at work where everyone brings in all this food that is not necessarily good for you but sure tastes just fine! I couldn't even look at it. I called my pcp. Got in almost immediately. Had another attack there while they are poking and prodding me and taking blood.

They send me for an ultrasound, also suspect gall bladder but may be pancreatitis, an ulcer, or a number of other things. The ultrasound was agony! Poking and prodding with that damn wand telling me, the kidneys look good, the liver looks good, oh, so does your abdominal aorta and pancreas. Marvelous! What about the friggin' gall bladder? Oh yeah, that's your culprit. It's full of stones and look at the size of that one!

PCP gets a wet read and sends me to the ED so the surgeon on call can consult and decide when to operate. Hey....this isn't what I set out to do today. I spent most of the evening in the ED on a very uncomfortable pad about two inches thick. My J, sweet daughter, comes to stay with me, waiting to hear what's going to happen. Surgeon wants to admit me but no beds at the moment. Give her demerol for the pain to help her out. Oh yeah, that helps just fine with the stabbing pain but my back and ass are not benefiting from it....they are killing me from this supposed bed. Around 11 a bed opens up. Someone left AMA. Oh yay! A real bed.

Being the poopaphobe that I am, lucky me gets a roommate who is prepping for a colonoscopy. She's crapping all over the place and keeps ringing the nurses to get her more disposable panties. They finally tell her to just stay on the commode because it will be hours before she is through.....hours? How am I going to sleep? And of course, telling her to stay on the commode just conjures up notions of that lady that was fused to the toilet seat in the news recently. Hoo boy! What a night.

So I wait and wait with no food no water no ice chips until the surgeon can fit me in; I'm an add-on but he doesn't want to send me home. I'm there, I'm prepped and can't eat without intense pain, let's take it out before it compromises her liver....yes, please do!

The wonderful folks I work with called me all during my day of waiting, letting me know they were thinking of me, offering words of encouragement, making me laugh. Thank you so much. It's nice to have a support group.

J comes to stay with me after surgery, but they kick her out at 8:30. Visiting hours are over at 8. I get to have ice chips AND apple juice--a feast! I can't say enough for morphine either.

Did I mention my surgeon looks like he's about 16? Awesome doc and super reputation. Great bedside manner but I so wanted to ask him how old he was. C'mon he's gotta be late 30s, early 40s, but damn he looks 16, maybe 18. Doesn't matter. He did a good job and let me go home today cautioning to take it easy.

I think--this time--I will listen.

My Big Sister

Sometimes the best people are taken away before you have the chance to say goodbye properly. My beautiful sister, my hero died suddenly at home alone. Apparently, she knew she had some health issues but didn't share that knowledge with us; didn't want anyone to worry. The last time I saw her was at a niece's wedding in September. As always, I told her how much I loved her, that she was my hero and she just laughed. She didn't think she was unusual; she didn't realize that she was a special person to so many of us that knew her and loved her. Her blonde hair framed her beautiful face so well and her sparkling green eyes were always crinkled at the corners, her smile showing there as well.

She survived breast cancer and the senseless murder of one of her sons and she showed me the way to survive the sudden death of my own son. She always reached out and opened her heart and home to those who needed some help along their path. Always a smile on her face and a readiness to find humor in most anything difficult as a way to cope. It's better to laugh than to cry we said. She authored a few scholastic books and told me about the children she interviewed, some blind, some deaf, all with some lack of function that we all take for granted; she said THEY were the heroes, the ones that embraced life and didn't even realize that others might find them challenged.

We used to say that the sisters would all grow old together; we'd buy a house with a large porch and many rockers and we would sit in those chairs and rock together making each other laugh, remembering all the good times. I think she was the glue that held us together. I hope she's getting a house like that ready for all of us once we pass on and can join her again.

She's still my hero.

Chocolate!!!

We had an awesome time at the 19th Annual Chocolate Festival in North Conway last weekend! Couldn't have asked for a better day. Clean, crisp air with blue, blue skies and lots of sunshine. We ate a lumberjack type breakfast before heading to the trails. All that anticipated snowshoeing we figured we had better have some good food in our bellies before indulging in the chocolate frenzy.

The ski touring center was our first stop and they had two different chocolate stations set up there. One let you select either handmade chocolate covered almonds, or handmade chocolate malted milk balls. The other had a little tiny white box with two chocolate confections in it, from a place called The Chocolate Bean out of Epping, NH, or chocolate brownies, chocolate haystacks, or little wrapped chocolate squares with the name of the inn that provided them on its wrapper. Nice start!

We set out on our snowshoes with a bunch of other folks heading towards an inn and a b & b. By the time we got there I needed about a gallon of water and some good chocolate. They had a decadent chocolate bundt type cake with hand cranked vanilla ice cream and strawberries on top...super! They also had a few pitchers of water going around to slake our thirst. Across the road was an inn with a chocolate fondue going. They had pretzels, strawberries, bananas, cookies and apples to dip in the rich, Belgian chocolate. Yum!

We set out for the pink house which was a b & b in the process of renovations. Very gracious folks with fresh baked shortbread cookies drizzled with dark chocolate, turtle brownies and chocolate crinkle cookies. The kitchen had beautiful granite countertops and a smaller kitchen off the kitchen.....this lady planned on doing a lot of cooking and baking for her future guests. A piano in the front room and a roaring fireplace to toast your toes in front of with wing backed chairs to keep the heat around you...so cozy and welcoming.

We snowshoed around for about 2 1/2 hours before one of our party decided the snowshoes were too much; her heel was bothering her and she figureed walking would be easier. The trails were packed from all the snowshoers and x/c skiers using them so it was easy to walk on them. Next my hip started to feel the effects from walking with snowshoes so I decided to walk and carry my snowshoes until we got back to the car. Someone else's hip started aching and one of the others started falling down a lot, so the decision was made to drive to the last three stops in order to get through before the cutoff time, 4:00.

We had some incredible organic chocolate at our next to last stop at a natural foods market, called Aphrodite's almighty organic chocolate. A small portion, heart-shaped, but packed with intense chocolate. It was a perfect sized portion.

Hot cocoa, real hot cocoa made with milk, sugar and cocoa powder the old fashioned way awaited us at the last stop along with chocolate chip cookies and some organic chocolate bars. I ended up bringing several chocolate items home with me since I had more than enough chocolate that we had to eat at the places we stopped, it wasn't portable, the cake, the fondue, the melt in your mouth chocolate shell with raspberry gel mousse inside.

It was a great day with lots of girlie girl camaraderie, much needed with the work situation as it is. We stopped for some real food on the way back to our homes and decided that next year, we will try x/c skiing our way through the 20th Annual Chocolate Festival. Chocolate without guilt....gotta love it!

Work Woes

You think you have a pretty good spot in the work field. You enjoy MOST of the people you work with; your supervisor is the best boss you ever had, the people you see vary from day to day, making it interesting and unpredictable. Not bad. All of a sudden, a meeting is called and you are told your supervisor has been fired; fired and you are not going to be told the reasoning behind it. His supervisor says it was "sudden and unexpected." You know in your gut it's a crappy deal and he didn't deserve it. You know the subversive behavior he was dealing with from some of your co-workers and you know that has something to do with this decision. Scumbags! How can they mess with someone's livelihood like that and sit there smirking? WTF? Every other person he worked with in every department of our company thinks he was fantastic, a forward thinker, able to see the big picture, a humanist, a very caring individual who had more integrity than any of those scumbags have in their pinky fingers. WHY? It feels like a death and we are not being allowed to mourn the passing of this relationship we all had, well, most of us anyway, minus the scumbags. When one of us is brave enough to state that we believe the SB had something to do with this decision and it's very upsetting since there is no validity to it, only that they were not allowed to have their spoiled way in the workplace -- because they couldn't see the big picture -- that their requests were selfish and childish and wouldn't do a thing to help our clients and our revenue status; when that is stated we are told we can't be mad at those people; we have to be mad at HIS supervisor who canned him. Does anyone in upper management have a brain? You CAN'T tell someone who they have to be mad at. You can't say that you aren't entitled to be angry. You can't expect that anger to just go away if you ignore it. Anger is going to come out in some way, shape or form and I think those scumbags and the stupid supervisor had better watch out because they may get a whole lot more anger acted out than they bargained for. It doesn't help that you find things out slowly, like the supervisor's statement that it was sudden and unexpected is a total bald faced lie. She had every intention of firing him as her scapegoat. She has her pet scumbags that report to her every little thing that goes on in our place of business, of course, putting their nasty little spin on things to make everyone else look bad and themselves look good. It doesn't feel safe. It doesn't feel like you can trust upper management at all. When no reason is given, it makes you think maybe you will be the next to go, with no reason given. You find out that all of a sudden revenue is a huge issue; now everyone that is salaried has to increase their hours or decrease their pay. Everything we have worked for to establish our business as forward thinking, innovative and better than run of the mill similar practices is all shot to hell. We are going to be just like everyone else where the bottom line is the almighty dollar. To hell with the clients and their feelings, just run them through, collect their money and get on to the next one. HOW is that supposed to benefit the overall good of our organization? I came to this place because it was a caring, sensitive place that held clients in high regard, a place where management listened to each employee and valued their input and was willing to try their suggestions. Now it's just a scary place and I can't wait to get out. The resume is dusted off and the feelers are out there. I can't work for someone I can't trust in the least bit. The scumbags seem quite evil now instead of just annoyances. I suppose everything happens for a reason and something better is out there for me and also for my supervisor, the best boss I ever had.

Snowshoes!

I love my new snowshoes, built for women. On Sunday, Daisy and I took off through the woods for an adventure, she leaping and bounding like a reindeer, me trying out the snowshoes, taking baby steps so I could make a sort of trail for someone who might want to walk through the woods after us. Once we got to a snowmobile trail someone left, I was able to take normal steps. My hips hurt a bit at first but then everything quieted down and I was off and, well, not exactly running, but walking at a brisk pace, enjoying the cold, crisp air and the beautiful sunshiny day. I think snowshoeing through the woods in VT with my friend J would be a really nice adventure. I have to train for the Chocolate Festival up in North Conway at the end of February. Some of the women I work with and I are making a girls’ weekend and going up for an overnight at an inn and then snowshoeing through the Chocolate Festival. It’s the 19th annual CF so it must be pretty good. Hey, anything with chocolate has got to be good! One can either x/c ski or snowshoe around this 5 miles course which has stops at several inns and ski places along the way, each with their own special version of a chocolate treat….YUM! A wonderful guiltless way of enjoying chocolate and the outdoors. I only traveled about a mile today so I need to get more training in before the CF. I want to be able to snowshoe the whole way, though they do have a shuttle bus for those that can’t quite finish the journey. I think I can do it, if I can make stops along the way to rest and eat chocolate delicacies. That should spur me on to the next stop and the next and the next….

New Tires

I need new tires for my car. I barely made it through last winter with these crappy tires I have that are GREAT in rain but so lousy in snow. I have no traction in the snow, just slip slide my way through, hoping no one makes me stop because I'll never get going again. I've gotten expert at steering out of slides though.

My mechanic gave me a price of $127 per tire to replace the crappy tires with just decent all season tires, nothing special, just decent. Yikes! He says that includes mounting and balancing. Big whoop. He would charge me every time he had to rotate them, every second oil change. So I figure I should go to someplace that specializes in tires that does free rotation for the life of the tires. I shop online just to get an idea of how much or how little I can get away with since I have to replace the crap tires sooner or later, even if I make it through this winter with them. The cheapest price I find is $82.50 a tire including mounting, balancing and free rotation. That's still a lotta clams to shell out! J's tires were only about $50 a tire for decent ones. Why do mine have to be so expensive?

I'm so tired of worrying about money all the time. I owe, I owe, I owe. I think I need to play the lottery or something. I would love to pay everything off and start fresh with just utility bills and a mortgage. Ah, life would be much easier....

Survival of the Second Year

Yesterday was the second year anniversary of my son's body being discovered frozen in Colorado. It doesn't seem to be any easier to get through the day. I am still surprised by emotional upheavals from time to time, the kind where it sneaks up on you and you can't control it in any way. I get the feeling sometimes that people think I should be over it and moving on, but I don't think that will happen. I will never be "over it." I can intellectualize all day long about it, but my heart still aches. The day before I spent the day agonizing over my daughter's surgery. I went with her to help her get through it, but also, somehow, I felt that if I was close by, then nothing bad would happen to her. I know she will recover from this and be all the better for it, but I wish she didn't have pain. If I could take her pain away, I would. The day surgery staff were so good to us. They took really good care of her and when it came time to leave, after getting J in the car and buckled in, I closed the door and turned to the nurse who wheeled her out and said "thank you so much for taking such good care of my daughter." The tears started to flow and I knew I had to stop them quickly so that I could drive her home. This time of year isn't a whole lot of fun for me now, but I put on the happy face for the grandkids. I want the holidays to be fun and enjoyable for them. Tomorrow they are going to decorate the tree with us. I will be my best self for them. Life is for the living.

Halloween?

Okay, what happened to Halloween? The night before, we got two little trick or treaters. On Halloween night, no one. Is it really that bad out there that we can't have kids going door to door? We have at least a dozen or so kids here in the condo complex. I thought we would at least have those kids knocking on the door. I hope the kids at least got to go to a party or two if they didn't get to trick or treat.

I'm still waiting for photos of R and K in their Halloween outfits. I didn't even get a visit from them! I feel gypped!